Fiddlehead Ferns

Ellis Johnson came to live with his daughter on account of burning his own house down. He had put a skillet of oil on for fiddlehead ferns and then had fallen asleep watching his favorite evangelist on the 24-hour preacher channel. The oil had become so hot that it ignited a roll of paper towels on the counter nearby — at least that’s what the fire department said. All Ellis could remember was waking up to a house full of smoke. He also remembered how hot it had been and how he couldn’t find his way out.

“Only the washed shall be taken into the Kingdom of Heaven!” a voice had boomed from the television while Ellis clawed for a window. Eventually he passed out. When he woke, he thought he had been taken up to Jesus — his hospital room was so white and clean and bright.

The doctors released him into Elizabeth’s care. Ellis would have preferred to go anywhere other than to the city with her, but he had no other options. The fire had destroyed everything he owned except the clothes on his back and the family bible he had been clutching. His entire life had gone up in the blaze. Elizabeth was his only living relative, and she had offered to take him in as long as he promised there would be no bible stumping and as long as he stayed clear of her stove. Ellis agreed to both conditions, begrudgingly, because he couldn’t stand the thought of being dropped off at that awful rest home she had shown him in the brochure.

Once home, his daughter led him up the walkway and through her front door. She steered him into the front room and deposited him on the sofa. “Stay here,” she instructed as if he were a dog just from the pound. “I’ve got to put on dinner. April will be home shortly.”

Ellis was still on the sofa when his granddaughter came home from school. He was clutching his bible and staring absently at a spot on the wall. It took him a moment to realize she had even come into the room. He had never seen his granddaughter before, and, at first, he wasn’t sure who the girl standing in front of him was. Then his dead face became animated, as if a mannequin at a department store had suddenly come to life. His gray eyes appeared magnified behind two thick lenses set in black-rimmed bifocals, and his white crew cut seemed to bristle. A clear plastic hose looped over each of his ears and met just under his nostrils. Another hose dangled down his shirt-front and was connected to an apparatus resting on the sofa. The machine made little clicking noises every few seconds, metering out the oxygen he depended on since his lungs had been damaged by the smoke. He looked like an old owl that had just escaped a forest fire.

“Well, who’s this half-pint?” Ellis hooted, setting his bible down and leaning forward to place his hands on his knees. His hands were bumpy and covered with large purple spots where he had been burned in the fire.

April stared but didn’t answer. Her own eyes were magnified behind a pair of glasses. She’d been told that morning that her grandfather would be coming to live with them. If you considered only their eyes, the two of them could have been twins.

“Either you’re little April, or you’re the housemaid,” Ellis smirked, “and from what I seen of this place so far, I half hope you’re the housemaid.”

April set her book bag down and folded her hands in front of her yellow dress. “I’m just April,” she announced. The words carried too much air behind them because her front teeth were missing.

“Well, that’s too bad,” Ellis said, feigning disappointment. “I suppose the housemaid will be in shortly.”

April said nothing.

“Cat got your tongue, girl?” Ellis clucked suddenly.

April jumped like someone had just slammed a heavy book shut in the room.

“You’re quite the little conversationalist, ain’t you?” Ellis noted. “Don’t you talk?”

“What’s that?” April said, finally, pointing to the oxygen canister.

“Oh, that’s just some silly device that helps me breathe. See these tubes here? The air comes from that contraption. Must look a might frightening to you, huh?”

She had already lost interest and was staring at his bible. “What’s that?” she asked.

“This? Why that’s the Holy Bible!” Ellis whooped.

“What’s a holy bible?”

“Why, you never seen the Holy Bible?” Ellis picked up the book and turned it over in his hands. It had a worn, black cover with a gold cross on the front.

“I like Green Eggs and Ham,” April declared.

“Why, that sounds disgusting. If your mother’s cooking is anything like her house cleaning, then I can imagine you’ve grown up used to eating such things. Green eggs and ham! I don’t suppose you’ve ever had fiddlehead ferns, have you? That’s my favorite.”

April crinkled her nose. “No. It’s a book, not food,” she said when her face returned to normal. “It’s one of my favorites.”

“A book, huh? What kind of dribble is your mother trying to put in your head, child? The only book you ever need is this one. It’s the only book I ever read in my life, and I’ll be damned if I need to read another. How old are you?”

“Seven.”

“Seven, huh? And you never heard of the Holy Bible?

“Nope.”

“Never heard of Cane and Able?”

“Nope.”

“Never heard of Sodom and Gomorrah? The tower of Babel?”

“Nope.”

Ellis grew perplexed. “King Solomon? Abraham and Isaac?” he tried again.

“Nope.” April’s blonde ponytail swished against the shoulders of her blue school dress.

“Well, I’ll be jiggered,” Ellis croaked. “Seven years old and no knowledge of the word of God whatsoever. Seven years old and all you know of the world is green eggs and ham. Never even tasted fiddlehead ferns, for heaven’s sake.”

Ellis sat back in the sofa suddenly. He scrunched shut his eyes and considered the promise he had made his daughter as a condition of his boarding. He sat there, looking like an old buzzard with a crew cut who might be waiting for a sign from God. Then he suddenly clasped the bible in front of him and snapped open his eyes. He bolted forward and held the book out to April. “Here, take a look!”

April moved forward, cautiously.

“Why, when I was seven, I had nearly that whole book memorized,” Ellis boasted, “at least most of the New Testament.”

April had no idea what the New Testament was, so this accomplishment appeared lost on her.

“You can’t get to Jesus without you reading this here book,” Ellis stumped.’

“Who’s Jesus?”

“Laws! Don’t even know Jesus. Jesus is the one who died for us all, half pint. All you have to do is accept Jesus in your life and you’re saved.”

“Saved from what, grandpa?”

For a moment all Ellis could do was roll his eyes up into his head. He couldn’t believe the child’s ignorance. He realized Elizabeth hadn’t changed her ways one bit since running off from home all those years ago.

“Saved from an eternity in the fiery pits, little one. Why without Jesus, we’d all end up in hell, burning and burning forever.”

“Where’s . . .” April started, but Ellis anticipated her next question and added, quickly: “Hell is a deep pit where you go when you die, and you can never get out and the devil and his hordes torment you and burn you and flay you open forever.”

April appeared disturbed but, after a moment of reflection, she asked, “Where does Jesus live?”

“Why, child, he lives in heaven, seated on the right hand of God. If you accept him in your life, that’s where you go instead of hell. Heaven is a wonderful place where there ain’t no sin and no murder and no pain. You live in peace and luxury forever.”

“Is my mother going to hell?” April asked, suddenly.

The question struck Ellis like a jolt of electricity. Elizabeth had forsaken Jesus long ago, and he felt an old anger rising in his chest.

“Why if she don’t ever accept Jesus in her life, I suppose she will. Lord knows how I tried to bring her around.”

“Am I going there too?”

“Well, not if grandpa Ellis can help it! All you have to do is learn your bible and accept Jesus in your heart. And I’ll be damned if I leave this house before that’s done.”

“I want to go to heaven, grandpa,” April said.

“Well, then you’re going there with me.”

At dinner, Ellis grew more confident in his new surroundings. He wasted no time letting everyone know how unsatisfactory he found the food by way of various grunts and groans he had picked up during a lifetime of living among farm animals. Elizabeth sat like a wooden statue at the head of the table, unable to eat. April shoveled bread into her mouth and watched her grandfather intently.

“After this dinner,” Ellis groused, “I swear I could get used to green eggs and ham!”

He wiped Alfredo sauce from his chin and spit a half-chewed piece of calamari into his napkin to examine it. When he saw that it had legs, he screamed and pitched his napkin across the table. He bolted from his chair and upset his dinner plate in the process. Calamari scattered across the kitchen tiles, tiny legs splayed this way and that, as though the squids might come to life and scuttle off to find the ocean if they could.

“What in tarnation are those things?” Ellis demanded. He held up one foot and was prepared to bring it down swiftly on any of the creatures if they dared move.

April giggled. Elizabeth slammed her fork down, knocking her water glass over.

“Those are just squids, grandpa!” April cried. “They’re good.”

“Sit down, Ellis,” Elizabeth demanded, scurrying to sop up the spilled water.

“You eat what we eat now. This isn’t the backwoods.”

“You expect me to eat those bugs?” Ellis squawked, taking his seat again.

“Squids,” April corrected. “They’re squids.”

“Sea bugs,” Ellis screeched. “They’re nothing but sea bugs, and I’ll be damned if I eat sea bugs. I’ll starve first.”

“Suit yourself,” Elizabeth said. “Less time I’ve got to put up with you.”

“Still as mean as ever, I see,” Ellis continued. Then, turning to his granddaughter, “you know your mother grew up on good country food. She didn’t always used to be so high and mighty, but she ran off first chance she got to find an easy life in the city. Ran off from country life with that no-good boy and ran off from Jesus just as fast. Now she’s even too good for the food she grew up on. Eats seabugs now.”

“I couldn’t get away from you fast enough!” Elizabeth seethed. “And for me, getting away from Jesus and getting away from you were one in the same.”

“Well. And where is Mr. Moneybags now?” Ellis mocked.

“Grandpa says you’re going to hell to be burned and burned alive forever and him and me are going up to heaven with Jesus,” April announced suddenly.

Elizabeth’s mouth fell open.

“All I have to do is accept Jesus and learn the bible,” April continued.

“I told you I don’t want her exposed to that rubbish,” Elizabeth snarled. Her hands were clenched into hard balls, and the veins stood out in her neck like little purple ropes. “You were specifically forbidden to bring your bible stumping into this house. I had enough of that garbage growing up!”

“You should educate this young child from this here book, not teach her silly nonsense like Green Eggs and Ham!” Ellis shot back, waving his bible in the air.

“Don’t start it, Ellis. That was one condition that you agreed to, and that I want followed, if you’re going to stay here. The other: you eat what I cook and stay away from my goddamn stove.”

“Fine,” Ellis grumbled, fighting to get out of his chair. His arms became tangled in his air hose, and he wrestled with it like a snake. When he managed to get the nosepiece firmly back in place, he shouted, “I’ll leave now. A man knows when he ain’t wanted, and this ain’t no Christian home. Good Christians wouldn’t think of eating that garbage. Jesus never ate no sea bugs.”

“Sit down, you old galoot!” Elizabeth shouted. “You have nowhere to go, and you know it. After all these years and now having to come crawling here with nothing but the clothes on your back and your stupid bible, I’d think the least you could do is keep your silly religious notions to yourself.”

“God will not be mocked, Elizabeth,” Ellis offered, punctuating his warning with an extended index finger.

“Neither will I,” his daughter countered with a flourish of her fork.

“Especially not in my own house. And I haven’t been so stupid as to burn my own house down. So let’s not forget who’s the guest here. OK? ”

Ellis sat down heavily and fumed. He knew better than to have come here. If he had had anywhere else to go he surely wouldn’t have come here among these heathens, not even for an afternoon visit. “Remember the time you got shocked with that cattle prod?” he asked suddenly. Ellis knew Elizabeth hated reminders of that day because that was the day he had taught her a lesson. That was the day he had put the fear of god into her.

“You mean the day you nearly electrocuted me?” Elizabeth said.

“You was only ten, I think,” Ellis grinned. “I asked you to help me in the milking barn. Remember?”

Elizabeth glared but said nothing.

“What’s a cattle prod?” April asked.

“That’s a long stick with electricity at the end,” he explained. “You poke a cow with it and it gives a shock that gets them moving.”

“Does it hurt them?”

“Why, I don’t suppose too much. These are big animals. It’s probably only a little sting, but it gets them moving.”

“It hurts like hell,” Elizabeth interrupted, “and you didn’t use the prod on the cow, did you?”

“Well, now. There’s the thing, isn’t it? I thought to myself: Ellis, here’s a good time to teach sassy Elizabeth a lesson. Elizabeth’s always so headstrong and always so full of herself. Here’s a good time for a lesson. She’s a caterwauling and boo-hooing about having to do this and having to do that. I stick out the prod, and she takes hold of it without thinking. The thing goes live and shocks her until her hair is standing on end and her arms are shaking like this.” Ellis held out his arms and shook them back and forth. He laughed like it was just yesterday. April stared at her mother, amazed, as though she were being electrocuted all over again.

“And there she stood, a cattle prod sending juice through her like she was a Christmas bulb,” Ellis finished with a grunt.

“What happened?” April demanded.

“Yes, Ellis. Tell her what happened next. Tell her how intelligent you are, and how you didn’t count on the fact that my muscles would contract so I couldn’t let go of the damned thing no matter how hard I tried.”

“Well, yes. Things did get a little out of hand,” Ellis admitted. “But you was all right. No permanent damage.”

“No permanent damage?” Elizabeth shrieked, standing now. “ No permanent damage! You left a ten-year-old child holding a live cattle prod while you sat back and laughed. And that’s only one example of the abuse I suffered from you. Well look at you now. You’re just a harmless old man. And to think I spent so much of my life afraid of you.”

“It was a lesson!” Ellis cried. “I wanted to teach you how it might feel in hell. That hot surge through your body was just a little taste of what you are gonna feel forever because you can’t accept Jesus in your life!”

Ellis puffed loudly now and his face had developed red patches. “Well, you have chosen your path, Elizabeth!” he continued. “You have made your bed and you can lie in it, but you will not deprive this little girl of her chance at salvation. April will not be joining you in an eternity of torment. April and I will be sitting on the right hand of God when you and all the other sinners are cast to the devil.”

“You stupid old man!” Elizabeth cried. “You high-and-mighty pathetic little hypocrite. If that cattle prod was a lesson for me, then I guess Jesus done taught you a better one when he helped you to burn your own house down. How did it feel, Ellis? How did it feel to be surrounded by all those hot flames? Did you get a little taste of what’s in store for you? Jesus sure gave you a good lesson, didn’t he? He wanted a mean and stupid old man to see what’s in store for him when it’s his time. And from the looks of you, it’s gonna be time pretty soon.”

Elizabeth took her daughter by the arm and led her from the kitchen. Ellis plunked down at the table and stared at his bible with exaggerated eyes blinking behind his bifocals. After a while he could hear the television blaring from the other room. Someone was rapidly changing the channels. Suddenly a strange feeling came over him. It was a feeling he couldn’t recognize. Ellis gazed at his own hands and remembered the excruciating pain he’d endured in the hospital and fear gripped his heart. But there was something else there, too. He couldn’t make out what it was because he had never in his life felt doubt.

From the living room, he heard a desperate voice cry, “and the sinful shall be razed to the ground and shall be as stubble in the field,” before his daughter screamed: “Change that goddamn channel, April. Now!”

Ellis thought he might cry soon, and this was absurd because he couldn’t remember the last time he had cried.